The best performers I've worked with, from National champions to elite military service members, all share one critical characteristic: they have absolute clarity about why they do what they do.
Their motivation isn't about external rewards - it's deeply personal and internally driven.
The Power of Purpose
When I work with elite athletes, one of the first questions I ask is, "Why do you play?" The answers that predict long-term success are never about money, fame, or even winning. The athletes who sustain excellence talk about their love of the game, personal growth, and the challenge of becoming their best.
For young athletes, this clarity of purpose is even more critical. Here's why:
Understanding Intrinsic vs. Extrinsic Motivation
Athletes who are driven by personal growth, enjoyment, making friends, and self-improvement tend to have longer, more fulfilling careers than those motivated by trophies, scholarships, or external validation. External rewards, such as medals and accolades, can provide temporary motivation, but long-term success depends on an athlete’s love for the process of growth and mastery.
Trophies collect dust and medals tarnish over time. External rewards provide only temporary satisfaction and often create pressure that can drain the joy from sports. True fulfillment comes from the journey of self-improvement, not just the accolades.
Scholarships end and external accolades fade away. Even the most prestigious athletic scholarship only lasts for 4 years, making it an unreliable long-term motivator.
But the love of the process sustains performance throughout an entire career. Athletes who genuinely enjoy training, learning, and improving tend to stay committed and excel long after their peers have peaked or quit.
Purpose Creates Resilience
Athletes with a clear 'why' bounce back faster from setbacks. When faced with injuries, losses, or performance slumps, they draw strength from their deeper purpose. Their strong sense of meaning helps them maintain focus on long-term development rather than short-term obstacles.
They see challenges as opportunities rather than threats. Instead of being paralyzed by difficult situations, these athletes actively seek out ways to learn and grow. They approach obstacles with curiosity and view them as chances to develop new skills or strengthen existing ones.
These athletes maintain perspective during tough times. Rather than getting caught up in momentary failures, they can zoom out and see the bigger picture of their athletic journey. This broader view helps them stay grounded and focused on continued progress rather than getting derailed by temporary setbacks.
The Parent’s Critical Role
As parents, we often underestimate how powerfully our own attitudes and beliefs shape our children's athletic experience. The way we view sports, handle setbacks, and measure success creates an invisible framework that guides our children's relationship with athletics.
Before you can help your child find their 'why,' you need to examine your own motivations.
Ask yourself:
Am I supporting their journey or projecting my own unmet goals?
Do I focus more on outcomes (winning, scholarships) or growth?
Are my expectations aligned with their desires and development?
The research is clear: parents who support autonomy - allowing their children to own their athletic journey - produce more resilient, successful athletes than those who emphasize outcomes or control the process.
Building Your Child’s Foundation
The early years of athletic development are crucial - they set the stage for not just athletic success, but lifelong resilience and confidence. As a performance psychology professional, I've seen how the right foundation can transform natural talent into sustainable excellence.
Here's how to help your child develop a healthy, sustainable relationship with sports:
Focus on Controllables
Teach your child to concentrate on elements within their control:
Effort level: Athletes must focus on giving their best effort in every practice and game. This builds character and leads to long-term improvement regardless of immediate results.
Attitude: A positive mindset helps players overcome challenges and support teammates. Maintaining good sportsmanship and enthusiasm creates a better environment for everyone.
Response to challenges: How players react to setbacks and difficulties shapes their growth. Learning to view obstacles as opportunities for improvement helps build resilience.
Practice habits: Developing consistent, focused practice routines is essential for skill development. Quality practice time leads to better performance and confidence in games.
Treatment of teammates: Supporting and encouraging fellow players creates team unity and trust. Positive interactions with teammates contribute to both individual and team success.
Celebrate Process over Outcome
Acknowledge improvement in form/technique. Take time to notice and point out when your child's mechanics are improving, even if the results aren't perfect yet. This reinforces the importance of proper form and encourages continued focus on fundamentals.
Praise smart decisions, not just successful plays. Recognize when your child makes good choices on the field, like passing to an open teammate or maintaining proper positioning, regardless of whether the play worked out. This helps develop strategic thinking and game awareness.
Recognize effort in practice, not just game performance. Make sure to acknowledge the hard work and dedication shown during training sessions. This reinforces that improvement happens in practice, not just during competition.
Foster Autonomy
Let them choose their level of commitment. Your child should feel empowered to determine how much time and energy they want to invest in their sport. This builds ownership and prevents burnout from forced participation.
Allow them to make mistakes and learn. Creating a safe space for failure is essential for development. When children know it's okay to make mistakes, they're more likely to take healthy risks and learn from their experiences.
Support their decisions about sports participation. Whether they want to try new sports, take breaks, or change their focus entirely, your unconditional support helps them develop confidence in their decision-making abilities.
Tools and Exercises for Parents: Finding Their ‘Why’
Sit down with your child and explore these questions together:
“What do you love most about [their sport]?”
“When do you feel most proud during practice or games?”
“What makes you excited to play?”
“How do you want to feel when you're competing?”
Document their answers and revisit them periodically. These conversations build self-awareness and help your child develop a stronger connection to their sport.
Red Flags to Watch For
Be alert to these warning signs that your child might be losing their intrinsic motivation:
Only discussing outcomes (wins/loses, stats). When athletes focus solely on results, they often lose sight of the learning process and development opportunities. This can lead to increased pressure and decreased enjoyment of the sport.
Playing primarily for your approval. Athletes who perform mainly to please parents may develop unhealthy dependencies and struggle with autonomous motivation. This external validation focus can undermine their intrinsic love for the sport.
Showing anxiety about performance. Excessive worry about outcomes and constant nervousness before competitions can indicate unhealthy pressure. This may manifest as physical symptoms like stomachaches or trouble sleeping before events.
Losing interest in practice. When athletes start avoiding or complaining about training sessions they previously enjoyed, it often signals burnout. This change in attitude toward practice can be a key indicator that something needs to change in their approach.
Avoiding competition. When athletes begin making excuses to skip games or showing reluctance to participate in competitive situations, it may indicate fear of failure or excessive pressure. This avoidance behavior can prevent valuable learning experiences and growth opportunities.
The Path Forward & Action Steps for Parents
Remember: Your child's 'why' may evolve over time, and that's okay. The goal isn't to lock them into one purpose but to help them develop a healthy, growth-oriented relationship with their sport. Most importantly, make sure they know that their worth isn't tied to their athletic performance. The best gift you can give your young athlete is the understanding that sports are a vehicle for growth - not a definition of who they are.
Schedule a "purpose conversation" with your child this week
Document their responses about why they play
Share your own positive experiences with sports/competition
Create a family values statement about athletic participation
Review and adjust your own behavior to align with supporting their 'why'
Remember: The foundation you help your child build now will support not just their athletic career, but their approach to challenges throughout life. Take the time to get this right everything else builds from here.
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